When The Boy Becomes The Man
by Jillcb
Summary: This is a story about Mordred around the time of The Disir. It is basically about himself trying to fit into Camelot, and ignore the doubting voice inside his head.


Title: When the Boy Becomes Man

**"We go unmarked in death**

**As we go in life."**

There were times in the days ahead were Mordred would remember the words he spoken to Merlin. They had stood at the grave of a fellow sorcerer and for the first time he could remember, Merlin had bonded with him. He had not only bonded but also reassured him, that one day life would be different. There would come a moment in time, where it did not matter who or what you were. When sorcerers like them could take their place in a society that no longer judged or feared them.

For as long as Mordred could remember his life was forever on the move. Whether he be moving from camp to camp when he was a boy, or on to his constant search in his youth for a life he felt he could fit into.

Even as he travelled back from another successful mission with the Knights, he still felt a restless unease in his mind. For all that he had recently achieved, still something spoke to him deep inside him. A voice that would not give in, would not let him fully rest. It was a voice that was forever questioning him, never allowing him to relax. This voice had been with him ever since the day he'd been born . From the first time he'd stepped into Camelot. How he longed to make that voice cease.

He loved his life as a Knight of Camelot. He loved the camaraderie that exists between the Knights, and how they had accepted him into their group without a question. The way Arthur the man who had granted him freedom all those years ago, had invited him, Mordred into his life. Arthur had treated Mordred as if he was his son, Mordred had felt the personal connection between them. It had thrilled the young man no end; especially when he considered how his whole life before had been so empty.

Mordred had often felt abused by people in the past. They had used him for his powers. His childhood had been a succession of people drifting in and out of his life, expecting him to serve them, but giving the young boy nothing in return. When they had left once again Mordred was forced to be on his own again, until somebody else decided they had a use for him. It seemed like his emotional needs had been pushed to one side, always the bigger picture was more important.

But Mordred now knew that was not true. All he had wanted since he'd been a boy was for him to enjoy a life, where he could contribute. To be able to be judged as an individual and not as a person with powers that others could abuse. He knew he'd found that at Camelot with Arthur and the Knights. Surely everyone deserved to belong somewhere?

Yet as he guided his horse through the woods, still the voice inside him nagged away at him. As the other Knights laughed at Gwaine's latest escapades Mordred's mind turned back to what Merlin had said that day. That one day they would all live in freedom again. Mordred knew as he continued on his way back to Camelot the voice that was speaking was the one that questioned, why he still could not be what he actually was. He wondered if Merlin suffered from that voice too. Maybe he should try and ask him, in order to break down the barrier that Mordred knew existed between them.

Suddenly he saw a picture from his child hood. The Druid elder asking him

"What are your hopes when you grow up Mordred?" the kindly elder had asked the newly arrived young boy.

"I want to belong somewhere, to be judged for what I am and not viewed by others as a threat."

As he looked around the group surrounding him, he realised the boy had become the man. He may not have his freedom yet, but he would make a difference in this world he vowed to himself. He would make the voice inside him stop, and when it did, he would know that he had finally been granted everything that he'd ever wanted.

Suddenly Camelot came into view, and Mordred smiled home at last he thought to himself. For a second he'd caught Merlin's eyes had he dared to think there had been a connection between them? Just as quickly it had gone, but Mordred knew nothing would stop him from earning what he wanted. He would make them respect him, if that was the last thing he did.


End file.
